I like these things about you, China.

I wrote a post about the things I like about China about a year ago. Since it is November, the month that we should all be a little more thankful (before eating our emotions), I'm going to kick this month off with some good mojo positivity business. 

Last time I said people watching, green spaces in the concrete jungle, Sherpa's, talking shit in public, diversity of expats here, and the "opportunities to force myself out of seeing things in black and white." I love how hard I was trying not to hate it here then. 

I do like it here, more than I ever thought I would, although it's still not the place for me. So, here goes:

1. The affordability of massages and getting your hair did. I can get my hair blown out (they wash it, massage your head and straighten/curl your hair) for about $5. The other day I went and got a 60 minute foot massage and 60 minute Chinese massage for about $20. That shit goes a long way when it comes to mental health and I am going to get massaged as much as possible before I leave. 

2. My scooter. It's a fake Yamaha that looks Vespa-esque. I plug that baby in every other evening and zoom around town quite happily. I have just recently heard that they aren't street legal but a $3 bribe seems to do the trick if you get stopped. So, yeah, no real registration or fee after you pay for it the initial time. It also cost me about $500 U.S. 

3. Everyone seems to have an ayi- basically a house cleaner. I didn't spring for one this school year but I had one last year and I'm thinking about getting one again so I don't have to mop my floors (my least favorite house cleaning task). You pay about $5 an hour for an English speaking ayi. 

4. The Fabric Market. I can get anything I want custom made at a very affordable rate. I am planning on getting a custom made leather jacket in about a week. A lot of my co-workers go more often than I do, but it's a great option to have. There is also an Eyeglasses Market with something like 8 levels of eyeglass frames to go. You better believe I'm hitting that shit up in the near future. 

5. Real Chinese food. I never have really been a Chinese food person, then I moved to China and realized that what we eat in the U.S. is nothing like what real Chinese food is like. Dim sum is probably the closest thing to real Chinese back home. There is amazing street food and so many great options here... I will surely miss real Chinese food when I depart. 

Hugs, China, for 8 more months!

the confusion in my head.

Being my second year in China, the end of this school year means the end of my contract at my current school. My current school is moving to a new campus, and therefore they are asking people to commit to whether or not they are returning earlier than usual. This stresses me out because I am so incredibly unsure of what I should do.

I don't like China. There are too many things that just don't fit with my views as far as the country goes. My actual school is one of the lower paying international schools in Shanghai and I am overqualified compare to many of my peers. They are planning to raise salaries, but we don't know how much. Dating in China for a Western girl who has realized that one night stands aren't doing it for her anymore is also not very good.

So, what do I do then? Move back to America? When I returned after this summer, I was convinced that this would be my last year abroad. A few months later, I'm not sure that is the best choice. I don't live paycheck to paycheck while teaching abroad. Sure I could have budgeted better, but I never got out of the rut of living paycheck to paycheck in my 5 years teaching in AZ. I'm pretty positive that I want to move to Chicago when it's time, and that means I won't have to have a car (an expense I have decided I would not allow myself to have when I do move back) but everyone has their own idea of whether or not there are jobs. That's not the issue, though, the issue is, am I ready to return? Am I ready to give up this lifestyle of constantly stressing about my next vacation? It's a really great problem to have! I have left so many pieces of myself all over the world, and I'm not sure I'm done yet.

Wait, that means I stay abroad, but that puts me back at step one: I don't like China. So, I move to another country? Remember how hard last year was? Sure, I've done it once now, but I've found some good friends here (a few of which will for sure be here next year). It also cost a lot of money to set up shop in a new place and it would be another year of serious transition and I'm not sure that I have it in me.

So I log on to Facebook, Instagram and start reading about everyone who is having these amazing weddings and I realize I'm 31 and alone. I've been scared that I'll end up alone since I was 24 (old hag age according to my parents) and now I'm really far away from even that age. And all my peers are finding that someone and settling down and then I realize that comparison is stupid but natural and hard to figure out.

And then I'm back to where I started. What to do next?

China, Year #2.

I started to write a mass e-mail to some of my close friends and then realized that I should just make it a bit more P.C. and post it to the blog, here goes: 

Hi all, 

Since I was sort of out of touch with the whole losing my phone thing, I thought I should sit down and write an e-mail to you, my cheerleaders (that is what I call you) and catch you up on life de Ayesha. 

I want to be better about actually video chatting this year. As you all know, last year was tough on me and often I think I avoided facing the people that know me best so I wouldn't have to face myself. Yes, there is a ridiculous time difference and it's a bit tough to figure out schedules, but let's try to be better about it. It seems that planning it simply by saying "let's try to do this weekend" and then What'sApping to figure out actual timing yields the highest success rate. 

I left Chicago very sad. Susan (who must be blushing because she is one of the recipients of this e-mail) is the longest standing sense of home that I have. It was fabulous to be around her, immersed and part of the life she has built and just be able to be myself. Overall, my time in the U.S. made me realize just how lonely last year was and it was tough to think about returning to that lonely place. I cried at O'Hare openly, something that isn't exactly me and felt irritated by all of the shoving, rudeness and uncleanliness on the plane. Back to it. Then it took me 3 hours to get through customs, get my bags and get a cab. It had just rained in Shanghai and this caused the highway to be a parking lot. It took me over an hour to get home from the airport. Jet lagged and exhausted, I guess I let my iPhone slip out of my bag (I swear, it died and I put it in my bag before taking a little snooze). It wasn't turning out so good. I stayed in the apartment, packing my things up and sleeping a lot for the next three days. 

Then, things kind of started turning around. Realizing that this is a temporary place made me take pause and appreciate it a bit more. What is 2 years in the scheme of life? How many people are brave enough to take this leap? After this, when will I ever find myself behind a bike with a small buildings worth of cardboard blocking my way? Sure, this isn't a place that caters to me in any real way, but doing this thing- having this experience is a pretty cool thing. I should just enjoy it.

I moved into a 17th floor studio. It's small but lovely. The view is phenomenal. My landlord is respectful (unlike last year's assholes) and doesn't treat me like a rich foreigner who is on a staycation. I have a crafting area and it is really starting to feel like home. My hope is to get back to some of my old hobbies (crafting, writing, organizing and working out) this year. I feel like last year was such a state of uncomfortableness, that I lost all sense of the things that work for me and make me happy. 

Men. I saw D over the summer. It was fantastic mostly, but short. I recently told him that we just have to be friends. I was willing to move back after this year to try it out but he doesn't see that as a feasible option- citing that we will be very different people then and so I just couldn't keep putting my heart out there on the line like that. We're just not at the same place, and that is really important when it comes to making things work. Other than that, I have figured out that one-night stands really just make me lonely and unsatisfied. A one-night stand is never going to be the best sex of your life and that kind of makes it not worth it to me, anymore. 

Work. I started a new position at school. Given the state of technology at our current site (we are moving facilities next school year) and the organizational efficiencies caused by the Chinese government, it has been frustrating. I am doing my best and staying positive but I'd be lying if I didn't admit to drinking a lot the first full week back at work. 

And that leads me to my latest realization- I want to be healthy. I want to surround myself with people who are reliable, loving and help you when you are about to shit your pants (this almost happen on Saturday, btw). I want to lose the 15 pounds that I gained last school year. I want to let things roll off my back more. I want to put the right things into my body. I want to let go of the things I cannot control and enjoy the experience- of life, of living in China, of being Ayesha at 31. 

let it all hang out.

I’m going to try and give myself the freedom to suck at conveying my feelings through writing. Maybe I’ll blog more with this new proclaimed freedom, as often I feel like I have to sum up this experience in some sort of eloquent epiphany and I just can’t have that weight on my shoulders if I ever really want to write.

I have and always will be someone who needs to be medicated. Depression. I was told, many times that I shouldn’t go off medication during this transition but one errand was prioritized over another and I ended up not setting myself up for meds and so I guess I went off of them. It’s not a pretty thing, combined with the actual reality of the situation. To say the least, the first six months here were bleak as fuck.

 Teaching is different here. I know, no fucking shit, Sherlock, but worlds different from what I am used to. Say what people will about the education system in the U.S.- it is EONS ahead of what I am experiencing here. And, no, I don’t think it’s just my school, I think international schools filled with expats from all over the world just haven’t figured it out yet.

Having a pseudo long distance relationship is dumb. Let it go.

Friends. To say that this experience has put friendship into perspective to me is not doing it justice. My words never will. What I do know is that people treat you different when you are leaving a place, and people treat you even more differently when you have left. You realize some friendships were out of convenience of location. You realize some people will go all “single white female” on you. You realize, at the end of the day, you better know how to be alone as much as you need to know how to choose the right people to share your life with.

Selfishness. People have described my decision to move abroad solo as many things. One of the clear ideas that comes out of this is that people who are able to take hold of their life with their own two hands are selfish. It’s true. That’s about all the people who do this thing have in common. We decided to do something crazy for the sake of feeling like we have control over something. Read: it’s tougher to find common ground with people in your “situation” than it might seem.

The Chinese. Oh, the Chinese. Tonight my good friend Beth said “sometimes this place does grow on me,” and it perfectly summed up living in China. It’s fucking hard. If you say it isn’t, you are not being honest and/or you don’t know how to critically think about the pros and cons of a place. But, with all the hacking of loogies (sp?), the talking {yelling}, the dirtiness, the pushing and shoving, sometimes there is a light. Because, yes, you see yourself so incredibly differently because you are in environment that doesn’t cater to you one bit. Some might call it selfish, some might call it pretentious, but I’m just happy to have taken the leap to give myself that kind of perspective.

ni hao.

I'm super confused right now because I am watching Eyes Wide Shut (a movie I watched obsessively for awhile in my life) in Chinese. It is an even stranger movie when it is in a language that you are familiar with but do not understand.

Learning Chinese. 

I take the free teacher's class on Thursdays after school. It is taught by one of the assistant Chinese teacher's at my school. She thinks we are foolish, has pretty low expectations for us and just comes to collect the extra pay. It's actually pretty great because Chinese is hard. Like, really hard. 

Why is it hard?
There are 4 tones that all make a single word mean different things (one word has four meanings depending on how you say it). Those tones aren't natural speaking patterns in English. You use different mouth muscles and hold your breath longer while saying words. I know that this is going to shock you, as it did me, but Chinese and English are NOTHING alike.

I sit in taxi cabs and can't have small chat with my drivers. Sure I can tell them straight, right, left, stop, there, u-turn, hello, thank you and bye (no more and no less) but I can't have any sort of back and forth banter with them. It makes me incredibly sad and disconnected from the place I live. I love talking to random people. It's one of my defining characteristics. 

Should I start studying Chinese more seriously? Yes. Will I? Maybe but probably not. My friend Beth summed it up well today. She said "I don't think anyone should have to worry about making any other life changes when they've just done this. If you've always wanted to start exercising, now is not the time to try to do it." It's perfectly true of the experience for me- it's tough enough to have your entire world and culture change, and if that's as much change that you can take for awhile, then just let it be. Immerse yourself as much as you can, but remember to practice compassion for yourself and keep it in perspective that you already did a cool thing by moving in the first place. 

home.

I recently came to the realization that I am ready to have a home. A place that is my own. My last place was very close to that- I was a renter, but my landlord happily agreed to pretty much anything I wanted to do (make a garden space, paint, put in a disappearing counter). My last place was the most me, the most comfortable home that I have ever had. I had people over on the regular despite the size (teeny) and was just so very happy to call that place home. I like to think that you could walk in and quickly understand the tone that I was going for.

I like my place here in Shanghai. It has hardwood floors, and an extra bedroom for visitors. I even really like my roommate, which is odd because I had lived alone for 4 full straight years. It doesn’t not feel like home, but there is nothing in it that I have done to make it my own. Sure, there are some of my prints and personally created squares on the wall, but those are old me.

The thing that keeps me from truly making it home is the fact that I will not stay here longer than my two-year contract. There are too many people, too much pollution, a general distaste for foreigners and just a whole lot that my little heart can’t handle. On top of that, everything I purchase and create will have to be flown back across the ocean. I look at my Pinterest account longingly, wishing I could do so many of those projects. Then again, finding the supplies that normally would have been no problem in the U.S. is an obstacle here. And let’s be honest, this place can be exhausting when you have a to-do list.

I’m thinking the next place I live has to be home. I’m thankful for having taken the baby step move to Phoenix from Michigan, before trekking abroad but I’m thinking Shanghai will hopefully be the last stop before my final-ish destination. 

"It's hard to realize that life goes on without you."

Hard, true words.

boy.

When I made the decision to move abroad, part of the reason I felt that I should do it was because I was unattached. I had been single for the longest time since age 16... a whopping year or so, and things at work felt like they had plateaued. I was leaving my twenties behind and found myself unattached and ready for change. I had always wanted to do something like this- I started a Peace Corps application at least three times in my life. I mean, that was part wanting to run away, but who isn't curious about what lies beyond what you see everyday in the outside world?

Come job fair time, I felt unattached enough that I wasn't sure who I would call to help me make decisions. I had fabulous friends waiting by their phones to hear from me, but it is different when you don't have a concrete family/boyfriend/partner to call about such decisions... that decision is really all yours. It was a moment of realizing my independence, but also feeling scared as shit to be standing on my own two feet. That's how independence works, though. Digression... another blog post. 

A week after I took the job in Shanghai, I went on a date with a pretty fantastic dude. I got a little bit too toasty prior to the date and ended up asking him 20 questions (I would have asked a lot of questions anyway but the toastiness put it into overdrive). I also told him that I would be moving to China at the end of July (big mouth, too honest, damnit). He didn't really want to see me for a second date given the impending move across the ocean. I wasn't willing to give up that easy, given what I know about initial connections. I had to coax him into the second date which led to us dating for the next couple of months. We had a break-up/radio silence in there, and then I spent most of July hanging out and reconnecting with him. It was weird, but also fabulous and exciting. It felt good because I knew I was getting out of my previous dating patterns (namely dating assholes) and I was in a reciprocal, appropriate, adult relationship- despite the reality of my departure. 

That being said, I had signed a contract and had to leave. We said goodbye and I thought he'd e-mail me once in awhile and maybe we'd see each other in the summer when he was slated to intern in The Netherlands and I was to be traveling to Europe. But, that isn't at all how it went down...

When you move away, it's interesting to see who makes the effort to stay in touch. It's something that just comes with the territory of leaving a place. Strangely enough, this boy was really vigilant about staying in touch. I got e-mails, there was clear effort to make a presence on g-chat despite the 15 hour time difference and I just ended up feeling really supported by him. It was lovely to have someone who cared that much despite the distance.

I mean, we weren't even boyfriend/girlfriend in the last month before I left. We're not now, either. It is this weird thing and I am not sure how to define. It's a relationship, sure, but we both realize that an ocean divides us, and he's sort of my boyfriend, even if he isn't really. None of that has really been discussed, and/or needs to be at this point...but there did come a point amidst all the communication where we needed to have a "next time we see each other" date or else things would likely fizzle (self-preservation). 

I found myself thoroughly confused with all of this. At first, I decided against coming home for winter break. I mean, one of the reasons I chose to move abroad was to see different places that weren't in reach prior to moving to Asia. After a tough conversation or two, it started to dawn on me that maybe this was more serious of a thing than him just missing me and being in touch. So, I made a plan that would satisfy both desires. I made plans to travel to Vietnam and Cambodia, and then leave my travel partners and make the trek to the U.S. 

This isn't me. I don't trust people, and now I'm throwing $1200 at a plane ticket to see someone who could change his mind and be dating someone else by the time I get there? Leap of faith style stuff that I'm not usually into, but it is turning out to be one of the things that makes me smile every single day. That makes it worth the risk. Add in all that hocus pocus about going for things, having no regrets, blah, blah, blah. 

Now I'll be meeting his parents (a first) and soaking him up for a week. He has been present and a fantastic support, still. I've went on a few first dates here in Shanghai, but it has only validated my thoughts on how connected I am to this guy. 

It's a strange thing. I made this decision based on being unattached, and then meet this great guy who is still interested despite the distance. I know what people say about long distance relationships- I've said almost all of them, and I don't know that whatever this thing is will keep going, but for now, I'm happy to have someone that cares about me and makes me smile on a daily basis. <3

voting, being American in China and GOBAMA!

Although it wasn't as big of a priority as it normally would have been, I was able to get my overseas ballot in on time! I felt very out of the loop when my FB newsfeed would be filled with silly comments and jokes about the debates. I mean, I've always been pretty horrible with popular culture, and here I am missing out on an election year's worth of popular culture? Great.

When I realized the results of the election would likely come out while I was at work, I pretty much gave up on doing any sort of actual work in my free time during the school day. Lucky for me, my students have a daily half hour recess, then a 45 minute Chinese lesson that isn't supervised by me, as well as three day's worth of one hour specials in addition to all of that. It was Wednesday in China already, and that just so happens to be one of my days with the added hour away from the kids.

I spent all of this non-kid time trying to get election information. The Internet was extremely slow, which I can only blame on high monitoring (people say these things, I usually ignore them but election results time had the Internet at an incredibly ridiculously slow snail speed). Lucky for me, two of my close friends (shot out to Kevin and Ashelee) gave me regular updates as they had information. When both friends announced to me that Barack had won it, I was skeptical. I mean, the polls in California just closed... how is it possible? While I patiently waited for the map to load, I saw that mathematically, they were correct. I was thrilled. A few teachers had come in and asked me if I knew what was going on, and I had given them the updates that I had. 

I wanted to jump around and get really goofy drunk but then I remembered I was at work. I decided I would run around campus and tell everyone that I saw that Obama had won, instead.

Before I could do this, another teacher came in and sat down. Her and I have chatted before, I enjoy her strange fashion sense and I know she goes to church a lot. I also know that I have become close with several people despite our religious differences and I don't cast people off because of that difference alone (because that's just ridiculous). I genuinely like this girl and appreciate our conversations on the Metro. 

That being said, I could tell she was either having a rough day or upset about something. She didn't have anything in her hands to work on (as most people at work usually do), was just sitting there looking sad. I quickly asked her how she was, and she had a sad, monotone response. After a few moments of silence, most of which I wanted to run out of there, I said, "I don't know if you know, but Obama won." and she replied that she did in fact know that. Then she went on to say that the outcome was not what she had hoped for. I said I understood, and then I said something about how great it is that we live (haha, not live, but are citizens of) a country that we have choices and are able to make an informed decision that reflects our values. She went on to say that she was concerned about violence because of the outcome, "on one side you have angry white men and on the other, well, you know..."

This is where she lost me, and I had to work to be patient. I let her go on for awhile, because I know that is what she needed me to do, and then as our conversation was ending, another co-worker popped in. This co-worker is a fellow Michigander, someone that I talk to often and had a strong sense is a Democrat. She comes in, asks me what the outcome was and goes "suck it, Romney!" which I had to stop from laughing at. It was awkward but hilarious (to me). I left quickly after that, ran across the campus and high-fived a few of the other American teachers on the way to my roommate's classroom where I shared the news with my closest friend here. We celebrated with a beer later that evening.

The win made me happy, but also very homesick. I wanted to be celebrating with friends back home. Sure, I'm surrounded by Americans at my school, but we were working while all of the fun election stuff was happening. On top of that, living in China is just a little bit alienating when it comes to feeling American. At the end of the day, however, my man won and I have to say I'm pretty proud of my fellow Americans for making it happen. GOBAMA!

International Schools.

When I first started thinking about international teaching, I had trouble finding a lot of information about the structures in place. I've been wanting to write a blog about it, because the ignorance has caused quite a bit of unhappiness for me but I found a great blog post already written explaining how schools that an American educator would end up are structured in other countries:
The World of International Schools

I identified closely with the blogger's statement that people think she must be teaching the local children. The Chinese kids aren't even allowed to attend my school. You have to have a non-Chinese passport to attend my school. Yeah, you read that correctly...

My school is for profit. It turns a pretty big one from what I can tell. The kids who attend my school can afford it, though, as they are quite privileged. 

I'm not sure how I ended up here, but here I am.