good, bad.

It's been over a year since I posted. Blogging clearly has died as my thing. Maybe it was never my thing. I appreciate the times I sit down and write, though. Like that last post about being head over heels for Guy. Funny thing is that hasn't changed, and is a lot more confusing and awkward now. He's just not that into me, and I still am into him.

It's good for me to know what it's like to be on the other side of that.

I'm having one of those days where I feel super alone in this world. I know that isn't the case, but who said that I am good at being a rational human being? I also find myself in a cycle of anger again. I thought I was done with this, but man, that anger shit hurts is so accurate for me. I feel attacked, alone, depressed and I respond with anger.

The comforting thing is that it is all so fleeting. One second I can't stop smiling from ear to ear and other times I can't stop being sad about all of the hopelessness swirling around me in this world. I remind myself to take in those moments of being carefree and happy because you just never know how your heart will shift in the next few moments, days, weeks.

Smitten lady.

He makes me want to be a fuller version of myself. I don’t know that I’ve dated someone in my adult life that I could say that about. It’s such a refreshing, comforting thing to be around someone that thinks my stories are funny and interesting and enjoys the rawness with which I share my experiences. Someone who has heard about a fair share of the baggage and thinks I’m more amazing for surviving through it and doesn’t have one foot out the door as a result of it-

I also enjoy that it isn’t perfect. Perfect things do not last. Perfect things are not real. So, we can be having a fantastic night together, laughing our asses off and I can say (in, mind you, the cutest, most adorable voice I can muster) “so, do you want to be my boyfriend?” and he can say no, with valid explanation and I don’t end up in tears, but instead we have an adult-ish conversation and still end up having a lovely evening.

I want to kiss him on the mouth all the time. He grabs me and gives me a big open mouth kiss as a hello every time I see him. That’s more public display of affection than I have ever been but with him, I like that the instant we’re together, he wants to be touching me. He’s taught me that you should be with someone that does want to touch you all the time.

Exclusive? No. Smitten? Yes. Willing to put myself out there and give it my best and see where it goes? Yes.

street smarts.

So, after living in Asia for two years, I knew I had lost my street smarts edge a bit. I was aware of that fact and thought that I'd be alert and the sheer fact that I acknowledged that I was lacking in said department would get me through. Not so much.

I talk to everyone. Even more so after spending time in a country where I wasn't able to communicate in a way that I wanted to. I have always loved talking to randoms. I have also started taking the bus around Chicago. These two items do not go so well together as I've started conversations with two different people who I realized I should not be talking to in the last week. The first time, I found myself in Humboldt Park- not totally sketchy but parts of it are for sure. I think I was in one of the more sketchy areas. The sun was beating down and we had just missed the bus so I thought it'd be a great time to start a conversation. The young pregnant woman was innocent enough but I could tell she was thinking that I am clearly not from around these parts. Of course I volunteered said information. I tried to smile and give her a wave when she exited the bus, but she did not make eye contact.

The other night I was meeting a friend at a bar a straight shot from where I'm staying, so I decided to take the bus down the street. Of course I had a very strong vodka cocktail while getting ready (pre-drinks are alive and well at age 32) and was feeling good. I was also dressed in a little dress (not too little, but little enough). I got on the bus and the bus driver started driving right away, I flew down the aisle and tried to grab a seat near a pole and ended up straddling this large woman. I apologized to her and then she muttered something about how the bus drivers need to learn to wait before people are sitting down. I took my headphone out and said something ridiculous about how they aren't worried about anyone but themselves (trying to be on the same page with her) and realized she had a face tattoo. So, yeah, I straddled a woman with a face tattoo on the bus that night.

Needless to say, I'm starting to realize that maybe I shouldn't just talk to anyone on the street and I've probably got a giant target on my head. Such a noob.

home.

Repatriation hasn't been so hard. People say that you may come off as pretentious but I haven't felt that too much. I think most people are genuinely interested in hearing about the life I led for two years. Sure, I can only share so many little anecdotes about life in China and then it gets old, but really, I think people want to know. China is a fascinating place. I have consistently told people that I'm so glad that I did it, but also am so glad to be home. That is the truth. I am forever changed by living there, and wouldn't take the experience back for anything but am glad to be home in the comfort of a country that tailors everything to me and is convenient and makes sense to me. 

One of my Chinese co-workers recently sent me a message explaining that he believes that I'm just "fresh with America and will miss China soon." I told him that I would let him know when that happened. Sure, I'm so happy to be here, everything is amazing and I don't want to stop talking about how amazing life is in a first world country like America but I don't think that means that I'd ever live in China again. I will miss the traveling so much. You learn so much about yourself, the people you travel with and the world when you travel. I loved every minute of those traveling bits. You want to grow as a human being? Travel. 

The other night at the bar, I was talking to Susan about how I was sure that she hated me the other day (when you come from a family that has constant conflict, you are consistently worried that someone is mad at you) and she gently reminded me that she thinks of me as family. It was a drunken exchange, and maybe it has been said before between us but it was the first time I realized that it's true. This girl,who I met in middle school algebra has somehow become my family. And she is pretty great family to have- she is smart, supportive, inclusive and loving. 

Life ain't so bad in America. Life, in general isn't so bad, at all. <3

not so temporary home.

It was only two years ago that I left Phoenix and dealt with all the weirdness of leaving a place behind you. Last time it was perfectly bittersweet, this time not so much. Of course I'm sad about this chapter closing, but I'm thrilled to begin the next one. I know it is the most healthy choice for me on a lot of levels and at the end of the day, that just means it is the right move. 

I feel like in my current world, everything is judged and then categorized to an extreme. At work, you are either a foreign or local staff member. In the past couple of months, another dimension of categorization has been added: the returning and the non-returning teachers. The school that I work at is currently building a new facility. This means everyone was already constantly talking about "next year..." and "at the new school..." Now that I'm officially a non-returning teacher, it has gotten to a special level of annoyance. I find it so hard to live in the moment when everyone is consistently living for something that you have chosen to not be a part of.

Chosen. Choice. They wanted me to stay. They even tried to get me to consider a principalship. Thankfully I knew that I didn't want to be in China. Or working in that school. 

When I moved from Michigan to Arizona, I was scared. It was the first time I'd ever lived outside of the state that I was born in and really standing on my own two feet, far away from my family's reach. When I moved to China, well, I was unsure, uncomfortable, excited, confused, rinse, repeat. Phoenix had made me an independent woman and I learned so much about being an educator there, and China was, well, China (for the record, it still is). What had I gotten myself into?

This time around, I feel like the third time's a charm (or whatever that saying is) because I feel differently about it. Sure, I'm scared that I haven't yet found employment but that's a different kind of fear than the last two times. I finally feel confident about the choice I've made. I'm not running away from anything this time. I'm not doing it because I'm unattached and won't be able to do it later if I don't do it now. 

I'm doing it because I'm ready to live near my best friend. I'm ready to not stick out. I'm ready for life to be a little more predictable. I'm ready to be around like-minded people. 

I'm finally ready to allow myself to call somewhere home. 

helping.

I'm the type of person who likes to get their hands dirty and help others out. I think I do a lot less of that here because of the obvious cultural difference, language barrier and general "mind your own business, you foreigner" attitude. Yesterday was different, though, and I have to say it turned out to be a great day despite a lot of annoying other happenings. First, I spent some time doing a work-out with the P.E. teacher from school. It was challenging, free and fun. On my scoot home, I saw this poor little Chinese man with three giant boxes on his crappy scooter which had a flat tire. He was pushing that thing as hard as he could, sweat dripping down his face, wearing wellies from the earlier rain and nice pinstriped business pants with them. I just felt so bad for him. So, I decided to reverse a bit, and try to help him out. He gladly took the help despite my lack of Chinese and I ended up pushing my scooter 1/4 of a mile with a giant box (with who knows what in it) on it for him. He stopped and talked to this other guy and after a lot of yelling (or talking, who knows here), the other motorcycle man agreed to help him. He bowed to me and gave me a very genuine xie-xie (thank you) and I left with a little more pep in my step.

Later that evening, I had to go to the Apple store since the latest iOS update has rendered my phone completely useless. I walk into the mammoth and ridiculous new shopping mall, iapm and give my dirty looks to Prada and Dolce and Gabbana. As I walk towards the directory (yes, this mall actually has a directory!!! China is growing up), I see two white ladies looking at a tour guide book. I decide this is another chance to help someone out. I end up talking to these two German ladies for over an hour about their impressions of China, Europe and all kinds of other fantastic stuff. It was one of those conversations that I walked away from, and thought, why didn't I exchange e-mails with those people, they were lovely. They were also so thankful to talk to someone who understands what it is like to be a foreigner in China and were happy for some restaurant recommendations (vegetarians in China, oh man). 

It was nice to help those people out, and it made my day so much better (and theirs, too!). I'm going to work on keeping my hands dirty in this way. 

regression.

It's been a rough week. Feelings of guilt, disappointment and sadness swirled around me. There were highs and lows. There was a sick day because of a migraine (something that only happens when I'm REALLY stressed- I can count the times I've had them in my life and the number is under ten). There was one really great wine night with a really good friend. There was loneliness. It wasn't my happiest shiniest time. So what do I decide to do? Go to all you can drink and eat teppanyaki. Sounds harmless, but we all know what happens to you when you are just barely keeping your shit together and you add a lot of alcohol to the mix. This morning I woke up, and thought to myself, well last night I proved that ALCOHOL IS IN FACT A DEPRESSANT. 

I cried. Oh I cried a lot. In public, while drunk. Those tears just came bubbling to the surface and I lost all composure. I started pointing fingers where they shouldn't be pointed. I said things that I shouldn't have said. I was angry and a victim. 

Of course after a night like that, any reflective human being should sit down and take a long, hard look at themselves. Today hasn't been the happiest shiniest, but it has been a day of reflection, thought and has involved practicing a lot of self-compassion. I can't erase my behavior or embarrassment, but I can look inwardly and try to address what lays underneath the surface. 

Time and time again, I feel that my decision to leave Shanghai is being validated. I am one of the worst versions of myself here. Sure, that has a lot to do with a lot of different things but I am not in a nurturing environment that pushes me to be a better person. In fact, I'd say, it is completely the opposite. Last night I was ugly. It reminded me of what I used to be like before I started going to therapy. Angry victim drunk loud irrational. Regression. Of course hard times bring these feelings rushing back, but I had zero control last night. After three years of therapy, I knew how to handle those feelings and control myself enough to not be a sorry mess. I took ownership for the way I felt, and took actions to change it. I haven't been doing that much lately. So I'm not happy with my environment, and I'm planning to change it- and need to work on a better action plan for dealing with the remaining 90 days here. I think, for me, that means letting go of things that bother me, surrounding myself with people that value and like me, focusing on enjoying the crazy place that China is, drinking less (it's all you want when you are depressed, but I know that isn't the right way to deal) and focusing on job searching. I think it also means talking less and reading more. 

I think it also means constantly reminding myself that it's all going to be okay. Because, we all know it will in fact work out. I'll be on a plane starting my next chapter before I know it and I'll miss this place. Soak it up, let this moment be enough. 

Leaving so soon.

In 6 months, I will no longer live in China. It's a weird thing to type, because I just got my bearings here. I finally know what to expect which makes me like it a bit more. I still get angry when people spit, do ridiculous things on their e-bikes which could cause me harm, smoke cigarettes in enclosed spaces and PUSH ME but I know to expect it. I can't be upset when it happens, because, well, I live in China. I know at times it felt like it would never be over but right now, that isn't my feeling at all. I feel like it's going to be a blink of an eye and gone. About a month ago, I thought to myself "I'm not even going to cry when I leave this place!" and I think I'm wrong. Maybe China hasn't been my place- but like every place you go, if you allow it to, you learn a lot about yourself. That's the beauty of moving around and traveling... you see yourself differently. This time of my life (that I very fortunately have 6 months left of) will forever be etched in my heart and mind... the things I have learned, the moments that will forever be a part of me aren't easily summed up in a blog post but I am so thankful that I allowed myself to have this unforgettable experience. 

I've always been told that I was lucky to find people that pushed me to eschew my Muslim upbringing, but even more-so, I think I've been fortunate to attract people who tend to force me to grow in general. I don't know how I got to this fabulous place, but it's clearly because I was surrounded by wonderful people- some of them still in my life, and some of them not. I feel fortunate, happy and excited- and that's awesome sauce on a lot of levels. Cheerio, bitches.

list of thanks.

This November I noticed a lot of people posting a daily "what I'm thankful for" status update on FB. I liked this idea so I am going to sit down and write out some things that I'm thankful for now. Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday- it's one that my family really took on so it's a tough one to be abroad for. That being said, I have a shit ton of other great things to focus on even if I didn't have turkey, mashed potatoes and high school reunions this year. 

1. America. It's an amazing place that I never really valued until I moved abroad. We've got a shit ton of problems, but I'm so glad that I left because it made me more aware of the fact that I'm proud to be an American. 
2. Low AQI days. The pollution is really taking a toll on me as of late (I have this disgusting smoker's cough that I can't seem to kick) and I am so happy when I see that number below 100 (though it's been awhile since that has happened). This raises my awareness on a lot of levels- it's not a China problem, it is a consumerism problem. All that shit you buy at Target? It's Made in China and fucking up the Earth. Think before you buy.
3. That I had people in my life that showed me that there is more to life than Islam and rigid rules to adhere to. People always ask me how I came out so different than my siblings, and I really think it's because I met people along the way who showed me that happiness is a possibility. 
4. My scooter. 
5. That I put myself in a position to travel and see the world. Do it, do it, do it.
6. Spotify.
7. Pinterest and all the creative shit I have instant access to because of it!
8. The FDA and other related efficiencies. 
9. Places that made a plan for public transportation/connectivity to other places when they built their city/country.
10. China. It will forever own a special place in my heart. 
11. Good fucking people. I am beyond lucky to have met some of the best people in the world and so thankful that people have taken me on as their own and understand that despite my tough exterior, I want to be loved just like everyone else.
12. Daniel Warren Hall.
13. What'sApp.
14. The luxury of aging. I like who I am more and more as I get older- and that's a pretty beautiful thing to be able to experience.
15. My blender. I know it seems silly but I am obsessed with making smoothies right now. I love shit that makes it easier to be healthy!
16. Children. Inspirational, happy and lovely.

I'm sleepy so there's my list. In other news, I'm job searching in Chicago exclusively at this point. :)

Shanghai besties.

We all have those people in our lives that have been our "best friend" for a certain period. You have your high school best friend, you have your college best friend, and I obviously will have my Shanghai besties. Here in Chinatown, my first one was my lovely roomie hailing from Chicago, that Filipino American that understood me and saw me through the worst of it in my first year. 

We have inside jokes and have a great time when we are together. Her and I are incredibly different, though and spend most of our leisure time doing things the other is not interested in. A younger, more immature Ayesha wouldn't have been able to handle this kind of separation but now I kind of love that I'm such good friends with someone that is so different than me. I find that is more and more true about me as I get older- I like having friends who challenge me (appropriately) and aren't in love with everything I'm in love with. Life is more interesting that way. 

J and I have great conversations about life, relationships and all that good shit. She says things to me sometimes that echo in my head for days following. She provides a mirror for me at times and I'll always hold a special bond with her- no one knew me like she did my first year in China. We've aged and grown together and she will always be one of my Shanghai besties. 

She once said to me, "you live with the old you," and of course it was exactly what I needed to hear in the moment. I love that she is blunt but kind (it helps that we're always on a mission to get drunk during these conversations). She also had a dream that we joke about where she said "I'm not blogging. I'm just writing on the Internet!" Let it be known that she is the last person that will ever blog about her life. Our differences force us to laugh at ourselves and I love that. Happy 27th birthday, youngin'