regression.

It's been a rough week. Feelings of guilt, disappointment and sadness swirled around me. There were highs and lows. There was a sick day because of a migraine (something that only happens when I'm REALLY stressed- I can count the times I've had them in my life and the number is under ten). There was one really great wine night with a really good friend. There was loneliness. It wasn't my happiest shiniest time. So what do I decide to do? Go to all you can drink and eat teppanyaki. Sounds harmless, but we all know what happens to you when you are just barely keeping your shit together and you add a lot of alcohol to the mix. This morning I woke up, and thought to myself, well last night I proved that ALCOHOL IS IN FACT A DEPRESSANT. 

I cried. Oh I cried a lot. In public, while drunk. Those tears just came bubbling to the surface and I lost all composure. I started pointing fingers where they shouldn't be pointed. I said things that I shouldn't have said. I was angry and a victim. 

Of course after a night like that, any reflective human being should sit down and take a long, hard look at themselves. Today hasn't been the happiest shiniest, but it has been a day of reflection, thought and has involved practicing a lot of self-compassion. I can't erase my behavior or embarrassment, but I can look inwardly and try to address what lays underneath the surface. 

Time and time again, I feel that my decision to leave Shanghai is being validated. I am one of the worst versions of myself here. Sure, that has a lot to do with a lot of different things but I am not in a nurturing environment that pushes me to be a better person. In fact, I'd say, it is completely the opposite. Last night I was ugly. It reminded me of what I used to be like before I started going to therapy. Angry victim drunk loud irrational. Regression. Of course hard times bring these feelings rushing back, but I had zero control last night. After three years of therapy, I knew how to handle those feelings and control myself enough to not be a sorry mess. I took ownership for the way I felt, and took actions to change it. I haven't been doing that much lately. So I'm not happy with my environment, and I'm planning to change it- and need to work on a better action plan for dealing with the remaining 90 days here. I think, for me, that means letting go of things that bother me, surrounding myself with people that value and like me, focusing on enjoying the crazy place that China is, drinking less (it's all you want when you are depressed, but I know that isn't the right way to deal) and focusing on job searching. I think it also means talking less and reading more. 

I think it also means constantly reminding myself that it's all going to be okay. Because, we all know it will in fact work out. I'll be on a plane starting my next chapter before I know it and I'll miss this place. Soak it up, let this moment be enough.