I counted down
the days to leave for Shanghai. I was so excited for this next chapter, beyond
ecstatic, probably annoyingly so. That isn’t to say that I wasn’t a giant wreck
the last week when I had to say goodbye to all the people that I adore. I was,
a giant wreck. I cried and cried and cried- pretty much on everyone that spent
any real time with me in those last two weeks.
I’ve been here
for over a month at this point. I took my first weekend trip and had a really
difficult Monday after the fact. I don’t know what it was- that I went on
vacation and home didn’t involve my cozy studio in Phoenix. That I had to buy a
ticket and ride a train and get shoved by what felt like a million people. That
I know better than to try and run more than one real errand a day because I
will end up crying, completely defeated if I put myself through that sort of
thing (trust me, I’ve done it several times, it isn’t ever worth the check
marks- and I love my completed to-do lists).
So, yes, I miss
my old life. More than I like to really admit. I know it is early and it takes
time to adjust. There is a large part of my heart that feels so very homesick.
I didn’t even think I was the type of person that could feel homesick. But,
here I am, feeling these emotions that I didn’t know my tough little shell of a
self could feel.
I know so many
people are proud of me, have encouraging, lovely words for me as I fully
experience life in this way. Even though it is hard, I have to remember that I
am lucky to have a home that I miss. It’s the first time I’ve ever really had
one of those- and a supportive family to go along with that (yeah, I’m talking
to you PHX).
We do these things;
we feel a million different emotions about them. We think, it could be worse.
That gets us through the bad days. We remind ourselves that this was our dream.
Growing pains are a legit, real thing.
I just hope that
I’m actually growing, that I’ll really be the better person people expect me to
be after this experience.
The idea of it
becomes so built up in your mind, in reality you find that it is always so much
more complicated than all the good you only allowed your little excited self to
think about. Kaleidoscope.
Heartstrings PLUCKED.
ReplyDeleteHey Ayesha... I can only imagine how hard it is to embark on the adventure you're living, how rewarding it is to celebrate the little victories as you discover your new home. In my experience - not personal experience but what I've seen and heard from friends who uprooted their lives and moved, often alone, to new cities/states/provinces/countries - well, from what I've seen, the harder it was at the beginning and the more homesick they felt, the more they appreciated the experience in the long run and the more they became enthralled with their new life and their adopted home. In the cases of those who returned to their original home (or somewhere relatively close to it), they ached for the life abroad that they had built for themselves, by themselves, from the ground up, with that one challenging errand at a time which gradually grew into a new version of routine. Every day you're getting stronger, even if you doubt yourself... One thing to remember: you are not letting life pass you by. You stepped out of your comfort zone and you're getting pushed, shoved, stimulated, frustrated, amazed, confused, taught, and admired for your troubles. Well done, keep up the good hard often ballsy work :) and keep posting pictures ;)
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