China, Year #2.

I started to write a mass e-mail to some of my close friends and then realized that I should just make it a bit more P.C. and post it to the blog, here goes: 

Hi all, 

Since I was sort of out of touch with the whole losing my phone thing, I thought I should sit down and write an e-mail to you, my cheerleaders (that is what I call you) and catch you up on life de Ayesha. 

I want to be better about actually video chatting this year. As you all know, last year was tough on me and often I think I avoided facing the people that know me best so I wouldn't have to face myself. Yes, there is a ridiculous time difference and it's a bit tough to figure out schedules, but let's try to be better about it. It seems that planning it simply by saying "let's try to do this weekend" and then What'sApping to figure out actual timing yields the highest success rate. 

I left Chicago very sad. Susan (who must be blushing because she is one of the recipients of this e-mail) is the longest standing sense of home that I have. It was fabulous to be around her, immersed and part of the life she has built and just be able to be myself. Overall, my time in the U.S. made me realize just how lonely last year was and it was tough to think about returning to that lonely place. I cried at O'Hare openly, something that isn't exactly me and felt irritated by all of the shoving, rudeness and uncleanliness on the plane. Back to it. Then it took me 3 hours to get through customs, get my bags and get a cab. It had just rained in Shanghai and this caused the highway to be a parking lot. It took me over an hour to get home from the airport. Jet lagged and exhausted, I guess I let my iPhone slip out of my bag (I swear, it died and I put it in my bag before taking a little snooze). It wasn't turning out so good. I stayed in the apartment, packing my things up and sleeping a lot for the next three days. 

Then, things kind of started turning around. Realizing that this is a temporary place made me take pause and appreciate it a bit more. What is 2 years in the scheme of life? How many people are brave enough to take this leap? After this, when will I ever find myself behind a bike with a small buildings worth of cardboard blocking my way? Sure, this isn't a place that caters to me in any real way, but doing this thing- having this experience is a pretty cool thing. I should just enjoy it.

I moved into a 17th floor studio. It's small but lovely. The view is phenomenal. My landlord is respectful (unlike last year's assholes) and doesn't treat me like a rich foreigner who is on a staycation. I have a crafting area and it is really starting to feel like home. My hope is to get back to some of my old hobbies (crafting, writing, organizing and working out) this year. I feel like last year was such a state of uncomfortableness, that I lost all sense of the things that work for me and make me happy. 

Men. I saw D over the summer. It was fantastic mostly, but short. I recently told him that we just have to be friends. I was willing to move back after this year to try it out but he doesn't see that as a feasible option- citing that we will be very different people then and so I just couldn't keep putting my heart out there on the line like that. We're just not at the same place, and that is really important when it comes to making things work. Other than that, I have figured out that one-night stands really just make me lonely and unsatisfied. A one-night stand is never going to be the best sex of your life and that kind of makes it not worth it to me, anymore. 

Work. I started a new position at school. Given the state of technology at our current site (we are moving facilities next school year) and the organizational efficiencies caused by the Chinese government, it has been frustrating. I am doing my best and staying positive but I'd be lying if I didn't admit to drinking a lot the first full week back at work. 

And that leads me to my latest realization- I want to be healthy. I want to surround myself with people who are reliable, loving and help you when you are about to shit your pants (this almost happen on Saturday, btw). I want to lose the 15 pounds that I gained last school year. I want to let things roll off my back more. I want to put the right things into my body. I want to let go of the things I cannot control and enjoy the experience- of life, of living in China, of being Ayesha at 31.